This week on Bachelor in Paradise, we watched everyone fall in love with Jared, Lace *not* be crazy, and Chad literally shit his pants. We’re off to a great start!

It’s been a literal day in TV time since JoJo gave Jordan that final rose. Now we’re finding trouble love in Paradise with a bunch of sexy rejects singles.

Shoutout to whomever is responsible for the cheesy ’80s opening credits. Into it. We saw Evan eat a banana (get it? Because he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist!~*~*), Chad be named THE Chad, the twins be called “The Twins” (because literally what are their names?), and Daniel drip maple syrup because he’s … Canadian.

The twins are already annoying af, but I am slightly intrigued by their elaborate ear jewelry and whether or not they got boob jobs. Nick is back, back again, to reclaim his title of first loser, err, runner up. I also still can’t tell if I think he’s hot or not? Jubilee says she’s been working on her chronic RBF, but I think she should just embrace it. Because she’s, like, really pretty.

Literally who invited Evan? He finally replaced that sad little v-neck Chad Bear ripped way back when. And that’s basically it. Chad introduces us to his number one bitch —  his dog, Pumpkin. He packed an inordinate amount of protein powder and reassures us that he is, indeed, ready to meet the right woman. Lace seems as not crazy as ev. And did anyone else notice that she said she’s 25, but her tag said 26? :/

Daniel looks somehow grosser since JoJo’s season if that’s even poss? Maybe it’s the speedo. Maybe it’s his pasty white skin. Maybe it’s just everything.

Orrrr maybe it’s because he just compared himself to herpes. “I don’t know if I want to be associated with herpes.” He then goes on to say it’s treatable nowadays so this STD is nbd. Which makes me seriously question Canada’s health education curriculum.

Amanda is literally adorbs bears. She’s probably the only person on this damn show that I hope actually finds love. Which I guess means she’ll have to “find it” with someone there, but whatever.

I can’t even accurately convey my thoughts on Daniel, the person wearing actual jorts, showing up to immediately criticize the women’s appearances. Are you dumb, or?

Izzy shows up, and I’m really confused because literally who is she?

Lace arrives and has a super awksauce interaction with Grant. The prized pig Jared shows up, and I still fail to understand the universal appeal.

Chad arrives, dinosaur-esque entrance and all. He and Daniel instantly reconnect, and I’m pretty sure Daniel told him, “Daddy’s looking good.” Yikes on trikes.

Chad pseudo apologizes to the Ev-ster, and Paradise’s first couple Chad and Daniel hit the beach to touch each other and rank the women. Loves it.

Some other boring things happen, and Jubilee gets the first date card. She chooses Jared for the date because apparently his manparts are made of diamonds and his breath tastes like chocolate and champagne. That’s the literal only explanation of why all the women are so obsessed with him.

Chad and Lace start what ends up being the shortest relationship in Paradise. Which is saying something. Hurricane Chace (because that’s a thing we’re saying) alternates between violent making out and just actual violence.

I think Lace should share with Chad the sentiment that my high school boyfriend wrote in my yearbook: Thanks for showing me exactly what I don’t want in a relationship. (Yes, that’s a real thing that happened.)

I don’t really get why Chad keeps saying “dolla dolla bill y’all” but ok? I guess he was just really feeling some Wyclef? Chad also yells something about “so much protein,” which he obviously finds aphrodisiac-y because he intensely resumes the MO sesh with Lace, much to everyone’s disgust.

Jared and Jubilee go on the literal most boring af date of all time, and I’m pretty sure they both had more chemistry with that perverted terrifying clown than with each other.

Meanwhile Chad and Lace are already broken up because he threatened her with a bus and the scent of peppermint? Unclear.

Nick kept saying something about God “mailing it in” the day he made Chad. I’m not sure that’s a real phrase, but if the point is to say that Chad is the worst, then I agree.

To keep Chad from getting riled up, Daniel edits his comparison of Chad from Hitler to Hannibal Lecter. Upgrade, or?

Daniel reveals to us that he thinks the moon is made of cheese.

And then the shit really hits the fan.

Sarah calls out Chad for being disrespectful to women. He calmly explains that he was misunderstood, and he did not mean to come off that way. Just kidding. He calls her a one-armed bitch and proves to viewers everywhere that he is, in fact, the fucking worst.

For some reason he keeps saying words to Daniel like “unmurdery” … is that a reference I’m not getting? Chad eventually passes out and shits himself. Welcome to Paradise!

The next scene is maybe my favorite scene in Paradise history because I have literally never been so attracted to Chris Harrison. He calls out Chad for being a total tool and basically tells him to get the hell out. *heart eyes emoji*

Chris literally said the phrase “suck a dick” quoting Chad, and my world forever changed.

Chad says “fuck you” to Chris, and he and his dirty shorts peace out of Paradise.

What did you love to hate about the first week of Bachelor in Paradise? We literally can’t wait until next week.

dolla dolla bill y’all,

caitlyn

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