This episode of Bachelor in Paradise was all about lip injections, sloppy tongue spit, and Josh Murray maybe being a serial killer.

The show opens with Chad saying he’s going to pull a Marissa Cooper by going to Tijuana. After uttering our new favorite phrase, Chad realizes he’ll never be the Bachelor. Moment of silence for this epiphany. Although he will not be gracing BIP with his presence any longer, you can still keep up with him on Snapchat (as we do). And I promise you will have hashtag no regrats.

The only real question we’re left with regarding his exit is: where the fuck did he get deli meat in the SUV?

Leah enters Paradise, date card in hand, with new lips and the same annoying-ass personality only to ask: “Does anybody know where Chad is?”

Aw, honey.

Leah, blindsided and dismayed, swallows her pride and maybe some lipgloss and decides to speed date all of the men to determine who should be graced with her presence. She ends up choosing Nick, who honestly could not be less interested? Am I the only one who got that vibe?

Leah and Nick go to some margarita festival … and I really, really want a margarita right now. Ahem.

The camera then cuts to The Twins seductively eating bananas at Jared and Daniel. … What the hell is the show, you guys? What are we all doing with our lives?

Moving on.

Nick and Leah grossly MO and try to pretend there is an ounce of chemistry between them. They head back to Paradise, and in a SHOCKING turn of events, Nick gets a date card himself. Can you believe???

Nick chose Amanda for the date, and I laughed out loud because I think Leah is the worst. Was no one else concerned by how LITERALLY CRAZY Leah was when standing behind Amanda claiming to own all the same makeup? Um, newsflash, Leah: you’re like the store brand version of Amanda even with your new lips. Gettouttaheya.

Can we talk about how absolutely horrifying the kiss between Carly and Evan was? Like, I definitely had nightmares. Sarah also tries to kindle her fire with Vinny, which I find hilarbears because, well, it’s Vinny. I’m pretty posi that Lace and Grant totally did it, and we definitely watched part of it. Was there a clause in their contracts that said that was k? Unclear.

All of the rose ceremony goes exactly how I saw it panning out, which elates me because that means Leah and her lips literally had to GTFO. I would also like to bring attention to the fact that if one of the Twins stays, the other is safe, as well. A two-for-one blonde sale? Oh, sexism.

I am super sad Jubilee had to go because, despite her ill-advised tattoo selection, she’s still adorable and probably the closest thing to a real person on this Godforsaken show. Sorry you wasted your time with Jared. Loveyoumeanit.

And then we welcome Josh Murray, aka Mr. Steal Yo Girl.

Josh is what I like to call “serial killer hot.” Like, maybe he has a shrine in his room made entirely of hair from Andi’s brush. Maybe he dissected small animals when he was six. Maybe he’s into having sex with pillows decorated with lipstick and fake eyelashes. I DON’T KNOW. All I do know is, he’s killed before, and he’ll do it again. And he’s so hot, we’ll let him get away with it. He just looks crazy ok??

Also, this entire segment really, really makes me want to read Andi’s tell-all. Anyone else?

Josh wastes no time — just kidding, he wasted a little bit of time by talking to the other women, but hey — before asking Amanda for a date. This is no bueano because Amanda and Nick went on a date like a day ago. Sucks to suck.

Evan and Carly go on the LITERAL WORST DATE EVER. Did you see that disgusting spit trail connecting their mouths after the pepper eating? I’M DEAD. Carly — and I don’t blame her — literally regurgitated after kissing him. THAT’S A BAD SIGN.

AND WHY CAN’T I STOP USING CAPSLOCK.

“Every part of me is unexcited.” – Carly

I feel you, girl. That ish was WACK.

Amanda and Josh go on a date, on which she confronts him about Andi’s book. Homeboy says it’s a fictional story, and Amanda being the adorably naive little angelbaby that she is totally eats that shit up. Le sigh.

We can’t wait for more debauchery. What was your fave Bachelor in Paradise moment this week?

xx

caitlyn

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