This episode of Bachelor in Paradise was all about crabs, virgin sacrifices, and crocodile tears. 

We start this ep with Ashely Iaconetti’s grand entrance into Paradise. Ashley informs Chris that she is only going to cry thrice this season, and spoiler alert: we’re one episode in, and she’s already fucked that up.

Ashley realizes that Jared is into Caila (ugh), and she’s sent into a full-blown ugly-cry meltdown. Ash was obvi disappointed that Jared found someone he might actually like, and she was pissed at Caila who allegedly told Ashley that she wasn’t coming to Paradise and that Jared was totes not her type.

I kind of thought Ashley made all of that up, but when she confronts Caila about it, she definitely didn’t deny it. But Caila is kind of a sketchy bitch, so I can’t say I’m totally surprised.

Jared is obviously disturbed by the entire situation, and can we just talk about the look he gave when he realized Ashley was back? It definitely wasn’t one of excitement.

Jared tries to persuade Ashley to take the Dan man on her date. She acquiesces. And I love it.

Is it weird that I was totally feeling the vibe between Ashley and Daniel? It was so very odd, but I was into it.

Daniel inquires about Ashley’s virginity, and asks if she’s interested in having sex anytime soon. Daniel’s the best at playing it *kewl*~

Real-life Aztec warriors come in and use Ashley as their virgin sacrifice. Casual.

On the other end of the island, Evan manipulates Carly into going on a hospital date with him, which sadly isn’t the most unromantic date they’ve had on Bachelor in Paradise.

Carly keeps flip flopping between thinking Evan is “super nice” and “great” and literally throwing up after she kisses him. Normal.

Jen (??) from Ben’s season shows up and speed dates Daniel and Nick to ultimately choose Nick to roll around on the beach and get crabs with.

Ashley further cements herself as the most delusional dater the Bachelor franchise has literally ever seen when she sits down with Nick for a truth session. Nick tells her that she and Jared are never ever getting back together. And she refuses to accept it. Shocker.

She says she’s in love with him, and she can’t get over him. Because people who fall in love never, ever get over it.

Ashley forces Jared to talk to her and listen to her cry before the impending rose ceremony. Jared is too much of a niceguy to tell her to get her shit together and stfu, which I’m sure he thinks is the right thing to do, but really he’s just leading her on. I’ve decided Jared is the worst; therefore, he and Caila deserve each other. Gross.


Jared says he just wants to leave Paradise, to which I say good riddance.

We literally can’t wait until the next ep of Bachelor in Paradise. Who do you think will go home in the rose ceremony??



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