This episode of Bachelor in Paradise was all about Evan giving me secondhand embarrassment, Josh and Amanda sucking face, and Daniel maybe not being the worst?

I am prettyyy sure Amanda and Josh are common law married by now. There is no way your mouth parts can be inside someone else’s mouth parts for that long without that being the case, right?

Christian, whom I barely remember, enters the scene with a date card that he is intent on giving to Sarah (love her). Christian first seeks the advice from the bromies, and everyone is supes casual about who is coupled. Except for Josh. I think he threatened to murder Christian if he even thought about Amanda, but I don’t think they aired it.

*off camera*

Christian: So, like, what’s the deal?

Everyone: Just hanging out, you know.

Josh: *laughs* Literally don’t even fucking look at Amanda BRO. I’ll seriously literally actually murder you. *smiles* So yeah.

Sarah has been boo-ing up with Daniel the past 24 hours, so you can imagine how he feels about Christian choosing her for the date. Not … great. Do I actually feel bad for the Dan man right now? What is wrong with me?? Send help. And pizza.

Carly decides that she should Kirk Evan because he’s the literal worst, and the girls have the roses this week so she doesn’t have to pretend to like him anymore.

Carly tells him she’s not into it, and he does what any self-respecting grown man would do: he cries. Like, a lot.

“You guys went on a date, and you threw up. I don’t think it’s going to work out.”  – Jared

Touche, Jared.

Christian and Sarah go on a super outdoorsy date and do super outdoorsy shit. It’s not really anything I’m into, and I think I’m the minority here, but I just don’t find Christian attractive?

Christian gets a little extra and tells Sarah he loves her lips. A little much for the first date, but whatevs.

Plot twist: Sarah gets back to Paradise and tells Daniel he’s a freak, but she’s like into it. Ahh, young love.

Brandon enters Paradise — wait. Who the actual fuck is Brandon? I did, indeed, watch Desiree’s season, but I don’t remember him. Like at all. Carly, in an attempt to get the Evan taste out of her mouth, eye fucks Brandon and lures him out onto the beach to sink her teeth in. Not literally. Well, not yet.

Brandon instead picks one of the twins for his date (no, I still can’t tell them apart). The other one gets whitegirl wasted off like half a beer (gross) and gets her hair braided. Sounds like summer 2011 for me. Heyo.

Things get *~cRaZyyy*~ on Emily’s? Haley’s? Emily’s? Haley’s date with Brandon, but the twins get the wild idea to — get this — switch places. No, I’m not kidding!!! These CRAZY twins pull it off (can you believe??), and Brandon is none the wiser. Silly man, tricks are for twinz.

Back at the resort, Evan was quite literally going insane in front of our eyes. His slow descent into madness was captured on film as he wrote a date card FOR HIMSELF and planned a dinner for Amanda, who — as Nick put it — has been sustained solely on a diet of Josh’s tongue. Is Evan crazy? Crazy in love. He approaches the honeymooning couple and disrupts their major MO sesh to … be continued.

Tune in next Monday to see the rest, and let us know what shocked you the most this episode of Bachelor in Paradise!

xx,

caitlyn

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