This season’s Bachelorette finale was full of man tans, solicited yet ignored advice, and crying fits in Phuket.

SPOILER ALERT: I’m about to tell you who JoJo chose in the season 12 finale of The Bachelorette, so if you don’t already know, you might want to read this later obv.

This week, JoJo had the incredibly arduous task of choosing between a hot former athlete with good hair and a hot former athlete with good hair.

In true Bachelorette finale tradition, the two bros left standing met up with Joelle’s famjam to gain their approval. Was it just me, or was JoJo’s entire family on sedatives? Her mother was barely drunk, and her brothers didn’t give either of the guys the third degree. So they were obviously all sedated or pod people. Verdict unclear.

JoJo’s mom (love her) is super sketched out by Jordan and how “likeable” he is. She insists that if JoJo must pick an unemployed hottie mchotterson, it needs to be the one who looks most like a Ken doll. And the weird bonnets Jordan gifted everyone probably didn’t help his public perception.

Jordan “totes forgot” to ask JoJo’s parents for her hand in marriage, and when she finds out, that’s like a major red flag for her because she’s into archaic rituals traditions.

JoJo’s family might as well have gone into the fantasy suite with Robby too because that’s how obsessed they are with him. “Robby this,” and “Robby that.” It’s like, does Robby have a famous estranged football brother? Didn’t think so.

The next hour was a total snoozefest that was essentially a compilation of makeout scenes, JoJo not trusting Jordan, and lots of shirtless shots of the guys. So basically a microcosm of the entire season. Robby and JoJo gave me a panic attack by making out underwater (I don’t like that) and then went into extreme detail about their future together (RIP).

Jordan made many comments that involved him “getting on a knee,” which I’m pretty sure is a football reference, not a proposal strategy but ok.

Jordan finally made the half-ass attempt to pacify JoJo by calling her parents and asking their permission for their daughter’s hand via the same device he uses to take selfies and Google “steroid effects.”

True love, y’all.

Robby and Jordan hit up Neil Lane to choose diamond ring pretty things, which end up being not so pretty because they both have terrible taste in engagement rings. Robby’s ring was slightly less hideous, so I would have picked him by default.

They both give her sad handwritten notes. (For those keeping score, this is the second sad handwritten note penned by Robby this season). JoJo wears something fabulous and cries some more.

She vacillates between the two men, but JoJo finally says, “Phuk et” in the end and chooses Aaron Rodger’s brother Jordan.

What did you guys think of this finale episode of The Bachelorette? According to our Twitter poll, we all hoped she’d choose wine. Maybe next time, JoJo.

carpe rosé,

caitlyn

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