In this post we talk about the unveiling of the iPhone 7, which is kind of a total letdown.

Does everyone remember when there were like 200 different kinds of cell phones and no one really gave a shit when they came out with a new one unless it was that pink RAZR? Well those days are definitely gone and people are flipping their shit over the new iPhone.

Unbox Therapy, which is apparently a YouTube channel that geeks out over the latest tech devices, reportedly has their hands on an iPhone 7 Plus mockup which is set to be *officially* unveiled in September. In their “unboxing” video, some guy with the exact same beard, zip-up gray hoodie and glasses that literally every other guy working at a startup has, goes over the most notable features (or lack thereof):

  1. It’s blue?????
    This is the strangest thing to me. I feel like Apple tried this out with the iPhone C and we C how that turned out. (Get it!?) But seriously, this color is not cute. And – sorry every 14-year-old girl on the planet – but I wasn’t that into the rose gold color either. I feel like Steve Jobs wanted to keep things simple, and now that he’s kicked the bucket everyone at Apple is just going fucking nuts.
  2. It has two cameras.
    This is apparently called a “dual-lens system,” but instead of telling us exactly what you’re supposed to do with two lenses, Tech Bro is just stressed out that the phone will move more when you lay it down and touch the upper right hand corner. Because that’s a thing we all do regularly. He also said the camera(s) will probably be better, but we don’t know because he doesn’t have the real phone, just a fancy piece of plastic.
  3. It has docking contact points.
    Tech Bro gets really excited about this and calls it “spicy.” SOMEBODY GET THE SRIRACHA, the new iPhone has docking contact points! I’m not really sure what that is, but he suggests it means that the new phone could have wireless charging, or connect with a keyboard or “modular camera” that way, so I guess they’re cool.
  4. It’s .04 mm thinner than the iPhone 6 Plus.
    Seriously. This is a thing that he measured.
  5. IT DOESN’T HAVE A HEADPHONE JACK!!!!
    This is what everyone is freaking out about. Tech Bro confirmed that there is, in fact, no way to plug your tangled-up headphones into the iPhone 7 Plus. He suggests you use a “dongle” (I feel like that’s a dirty word?) or wireless headphones. I suggest you at least don’t annoy the fuck out of everyone by listening to your music out loud, because you lazy cheap assholes out there will probably do that.

If you want to see what other teeny, tiny changes are being made to the iPhone 7 Plus (like apparently the font on the word “iPhone” is thinner???) here’s the video:


xx,
katy

Leave a Comment

  • daryl miller
    September 8, 2016

    I couldn’t believe that the image was real. It looks like a cheap mock up some college kid did for a class project. The camera bump looks like its gonna burst open. What’s happening apple? This is terrible.

    Reply